OH man. I am back at that point again of wanting to be so much better than I am. I mean, better at doing things, I know I am just a fine person - God loves me, right?, I just have so many thoughts of things to do and so little action steps actually doing them. I'm guessing because I am on here all the time. That kind of throws a wrench into getting anything done!
And yet, I know I really don't have all that much time right now either. Have you really ever logged how much time you actually need to attend to an almost three month old baby and an almost two year old toddler?? Not to mention all the to and from of the preschooler and kindergartner. Yes, I realize I am busy doing a very good work for these kiddos. However, there comes a point where I know there is more. More I should be doing. Or rather more I want to be doing.
I have been reading great books lately (over the last 6 months or so) that have really helped me be happy in my station as a Mother - raising these kiddos to know God, and I mean to really know Him and WHY they know Him and should want to know Him and hopefully where to find all these truths from the Bible. And being a Wife and being a helper for my husband (which I unfortunately fall down in constantly.) I am totally understanding, now, more of the reasons God put me here and that I need to embrace this - trying to fight it all only leads to strife on many levels.
I am learning that I have always been, and still am, so incredibly selfish!! Oh, I can justify it in many ways, like a sentence I was typing earlier that didn't fit there and now I realize why: These kids just take so much time from me, I automatically go to "me time" (ie - computer) when I have a spare minute and I don't do the chores, or the extras that I know would be benificial. Why do I do that? Why can't I just, again, "get it together" and get stuff done?!!
I don't want to justify any more. I just want to DO and be done. I have got to get more disciplined in my life. I am starting a "chore chart" for the kids - they have been clamoring for it for awhile... and I think I need to do one for myself as well. Maybe it would actually give me some external motivation for doing what I should be doing. Give myself my own props for getting something done around here. I know, "Do as unto the Lord", and I am starting to really grasp the meaning of that now, given that I am understanding more of the wife and mother roles as given from God and the true importance of both pieces. It has just been hard for me to do - mainly getting myself put aside and truly putting others first and what that truly means.
And you get that little taste of time after your child gets to a certain age where you realize you do have more "free" time and then...oops, another child comes. And now I am back where I was before feeling like there is so much to do and so little time, and using that time so unwisely.
Ah, discipline, discipline, discipline. I have got to get further in the current book I am reading: The Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman. Maybe that will help me! I'll let you know! :-)
Oh, and someday, I hope to post again about "Fabrics" and "Gardens".